It's Not So Quiet, Shh Shh

So the year's winding down, and everyone seems to be having a havoc time, holidaying (for those clearing their leaves) or working (or making a show of it, anyway). Over here in drownedglass land, all hell seems bent on breaking loose at my job site. No rest for the wicked? Mayhaps, but all I can do over here is pester those responsible to get the problems solved pronto, year-end holidays and annual leaves be damned.

In between placating clients, pushing colleagues and pummeling contractors, there's still time enough for me to patter away on my keyboard, perhaps reminisce about the year that's just about to pass on... but you know, the end-of-December miasma is not just making me slack on work, my brain's kinda on auto-pilot mode which means I can't really write this post either. Hence, the meandering (even more than usual). Ah heck, I'll just be lazy and recap the highlights of my 2008 that managed to get blogged about :P

January: The month of firsts... My first and (I swear) last experience of letting fish eat me. Also my first (and hopefully not last) taste of Delish cupcakes. And the first of what would turn to be a semi-regular gathering with a bunch of real titties!

February: What else, but Chinese New Year (it's a short month) and that never-to-be-fulfilled non-resolution.

March: I turned 32 *yawn*. More significantly, there was plenty of food, especially meat. And Cook said hello to me... ME!

April: Stork delivered a boy (like, finally)! Began mulling over migration about this time, though I'm lingering on still.

May: Went to heaven, then to hell, and found a little hope. It helped that I had a new toy to play with.

June: A lousy time, and not just because of the exorbitant fuel price hike.

July: Compensated by throwing myself into SYTYCD Season 4, and, inspired by the choreography and songs, made up not one, not two, but three stories. I guess dream therapy helps.

August: Had started my exile at the end of June and barely had time for anything - be it friends, family or blogging. All work + no play = dull boy.

September: Seems like the exile was cutting off my social life to the point where I got all maudlin over meat.

October: Things picked up with the return of a certain prodigal, and gay ol' times were had with the ex- (and the practically-ex) bloggers - including the rather terrifying introduction of jiu hu char into my potluck repertoire and the uttering of what is most certainly the quote of the year.

Novemeber: A very good month indeed - completed my dream collection, a wish finally came true, and I rediscovered my roots... "di sebalik batu", so to speak.

December: With things to look forward to, I take a wistful look backwards. But the year is drawing to a close, and with that comes high spirits and the inevitable family drama (or perhaps it was just me storming in a teacup... as usual).

All in all, I had a very good year indeed. The job's so much better than my previous one; my circle of friends has grown wider, yet no less cosy; there's stuff to look forward to (at least for a little while); and generally things are looking kinda up, despite the downturn. Who knows what tomorrow would bring, but it doesn't really matter. I've learnt that I have grown enough to face all sorts of shit now, and what with such wonderful people surrounding me, everything will be quite alright, as long as we hold on together.

Happy New Year, everybelly!

Flowers In The Wind

I didn't have a boyfriend at that time
T'was supposedly a love just to pass time
Friendship was the excuse that I gave
So why is it that I'm still giving chase?

(Reinterprated from here)

It would seem that I never pursue, much less fight, for what I want. Perhaps it's just the way I am. But it seems that way because what I want is not quite as concrete as what most people want. And what I want most is often what the people I care about want.

I do fight. Just not so obviously as most would, for the reasons most do.

I do dream. But they're dreams built of emotion rather than ambition.

And when I love, all I seem to do is let go.

But this is me, dreaming.

This is me, fighting.

Halcali : Long Kiss Goodbye

The full song's available here, complete with lots of neon gear :P

Hometown Glory / A Tale Of Two Priorities

I’ve been walking in the same way as I did
Missing out the cracks in the pavement
And tutting my heel and strutting my feet
“Is there anything I can do for you, dear?
Is there anyone I could call?”
“No and thank you, please Madam.
I ain’t lost, just wandering”
Adele

"But I can't stay," he said, "It's stifling here, caught in this small shell, living the same small life, going through the same small routines, with the same small people. How can I go on like this?"

"But I can't go," I said, "What with my job, and my family, and bills to pay and ends to meet. How can I not see things through?"

And he said, "But there is so much out there in the wide, wide world. Cities to see and countries to roam. Different people with different words, different cultures, different lives."

And I said, "But this is where I belong, on the grass that I have mown, with the people that I have known, inside these walls that I've made my own."

And so we danced, and so we swayed. Loving, fighting, laughing, crying. Holding on, letting go. But in the end, still he went. And still I stayed.

And here I stay still, till the day he tires of the wide, wide world, and finally comes home.

Dreaming With A Broken Heart / The Space Between Their Bodies

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll out of bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe
John Mayer

Alfy lay half-awake, barely aware of the chill air from the airconditioning that blowing across his back. At least, not until it was replaced by the heat off the other body that now crept up to him.

"Good morning, handsome," said the breath that nuzzled his ear. Alfy could hear the smile in that breath.

A strong arm snaked around to his front, the hand just stopping on his belly, that once boasted of abs but now had gone a little soft with age. Something else strong and firm was pressing him from behind.

Alfy pretended he was asleep, and just as he decided this, the breath grazed his ear again.

"Pretending to be sleeping? What naughty dreams are you having then?"

Rolling over, Alfy opened his eyes... and the bed was empty on the other side.

Was he really dreaming? He should have felt surprised to see no one there. But he wasn't surprised. He wasn't angry. He wasn't hurt or even sad. The only feeling he had was a small sense of resignation.

He closed his eyes again with a sigh. Perhaps he really was dreaming, after all.

And he opened his eyes. And the light was right, and the bed felt as it always had. And when he rolled over, there was Jian, sleeping on his side, as usual. His back to Alfy, as usual.

Alfy's hand slid over to touch Jian, but it stopped on the space that lay between their bodies. How cool it felt in his hand. How smooth and unruffled. And how, how wide.

His hand shifted the blankets instead, and he got out of bed. He'd be late for work, if they did get frisky. More likely though, he'd wake Jian and Jian would be grumpy.

So Alfy washed, and dressed, and left their apartment, quietly locking the door behind him. It was then that he remembered that he hadn't kissed Jian goodbye.

But he couldn't remember how long it had been since he last kissed Jian goodbye.

Beautiful / Frenzied

Such pretty hair. May I kiss you, may I kiss you there
Me'shell Ndegeocello

X'shyreh flitted about, whistling flirtatious notes and batting her lashes at Yrkrzsh. Oh but he was handsome, the most handsome of all the males in their aerie. But she knew something else - as handsome as he was, she was even more beautiful.

And so she toyed with him - darting left, darting right, keeping the male's head twitching this way, that way, his eyes never tearing away. With each pass, strands of her fine, translucent hair brushed his face, teasing him with her perfume. The feathers of her wings stroked his chest, stoking the fire of his heat.

And the dance began. He grabbed, and she evaded his grasp. He spun around, and she poked her toe into his nape.

He reached.

She relented.

And they fell into an embrace, the female melting against the male, as if she was not close enough to him. As if she could never be close enough to him.

Swamped in the scents of their fevered coupling, Yrkrzsh unhooked his jaws and his beak dropped open, large and looming. Slowly, he devoured the acquiescent female whole.

Deep in his belly, X'shyreh savoured the feeling of warmth and security. His fluids surrounding her, she was not drowning, but rather she was disintegrating, losing her self, becoming one with him.

Her final thought: Come the spring, their children will break out from the shell of their father's body, to fly out into the world. And oh, they will be so beautiful.

Candlelit Dinner For One

Aiyoh, it's Thursday lah. Weekday, you know. Weekday! Tomorrow still got to work one! What for lah go and cram cram with so many other people paying through their noses to go and sit and wait long long time just to eat the same thing as everyone else? So special is it? Just because the newspaper say it's the most romantic day of the year so that means it's very very romantic lah to be spending half a month's pay check for dinner and flowers and chocolates lah.

Maybe I am not so romantic lor.

I rather go home and eat, thank you very much. Home cooked meal, you know. Very warm and touching one. Better to eat food made by your own loving hands. But not right after your hands have been busy loving loving and touching touching lah, unless you have already thoroughly cleaned your hands with soap and disinfectant first lah, hor.

So yah lah, I go home, cook instant noodles. But some more I take time to cook some cabbage also... last week go back home for Chinese New Year, mummy already pesan must eat more vegetables mah. And some more got one can of tuna. And then some fried vegetarian frozen flour thing... because, kawan-kawan semua, carcogenic carbs are an important food group. Yah, yah, I cook like Inoue Orihime.

Then hor, I see my place so messy, I also cannot tahan lor. So I turn off the lights, mou ngan tai, you know - no eye see. Konon can also cut down my carbon footprint some more, siul. But then hor, because today supposed to be most romantic day of the year hor, so I light some candles lor (I hope the perfume will halau all the mosquitoes also).

Ah see? Romantic, what. Nice, what. Had lovely dinner, what.

Oh yeah, still haven't opened that lychee liquor I had bought in Langkawi, leh. I think it's time to try it out, see what kind of weird drink I can concoct with it. Alcohol... should be good together with fireworks, hor?

After that, I can go to bed and love myself some more.

Happy Valentine's day, kawan-kawan semua!


Perhaps it's just another night, just like any other night.

But tonight, the soft, warm glow of candlelight permeates the room. No busy restaurants and soppy love songs on the radio for me. Just a simple dinner of tuna pasta with sauteed cabbages, a treat in itself compared to the daily rounds of packed dinners.

The world may be celebrating couplehood by way of commercialism, but there's no need to feel left out, single as I am. It's a good time as any to tune the world out, and take a little time to remember to love myself. But do leave that Whitney song out.

The fireworks have started, crackling through the midnight sky. A cocktail, perhaps, would make good company now.

Perhaps it's just another night, just like any other night... but it is still Valentine's night, after all.

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

nanimo te ni tsuganai
shirokuru no hitomi de
watashi wa tada hitasura
there is nothing I can do for you

ano koro no watashi wa
nani ni kandou shite
nani ni manzoku shite
jibun wo rikai shiteitano

doko ni mo ikanaide
please don't go anywhere

itsuno ma nika, anata wo kizutsukete
omoikakenai koto wo hashitteita
amaeru kiki tsuzukenuita watashi wa
kondo wa nani wo motomeru ka naa

modore ni ikanaide
please don't go anymore.

I can't piece things together
with these eyes of black and white.
I tried my best
there is nothing I can do for you.

the way I used to be...
something touched my heart...
something made me feel content...
did I understand myself?

please don't go anywhere
please don't go anywhere

I never meant to hurt you
I was running from emotions I wasn't ready for
but what am I supposed to do next time
if I don't have you to depend on?

please don't go anymore
please don't go anymore

Chatmonchy : Daidai (Orange)

The Cape Of Flowers

It was such a sweet sight to see.

A couple in their twilight years strolled down the twilit beach. Her hand in his, there was no question it belonged there. They stopped, perhaps to watch the youngsters at their play, standing so close their sillhouettes seemed as one against the setting sun.

Around them, boys turned cartwheels into the breaking waves and buried each other in the sand. The old man stooped, and began shovelling sand over his wife's feet. They may be have aged, but they have not forgotten how to play.

They may have aged, but they have not forgotten how to love.

To be able to walk in the open, wearing their affection for all to see. To be able to grow old together, and still find joy in each other. Such simple things, yet so, so much to ask for.

But still, it was such a sweet sight to see.